life, random

Late Night Ramblings Of A Weird Weirdo…

When I was a little girl there were so many things I wanted to be. An Arab princess, a mermaid, Miss.Universe, a news reader for the BBC, a journalist and then Harry Potter invasion happened and I wanted to be a witch. All these may be silly little things but to me, at that age, these were the highlights because I could relate to some character and find a piece of ‘me’ there. My ambitions were fleeting and were never constant. I read new books and discovered something in them I wanted to be. Almost every book I’ve read has taught me something about who I wanted to be. As the years went by I had an abstract idea about who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Forever I thought of myself as a complex and a unique individual. I always thought myself as some character in a book I had read and I had lived my life in my own little dream world and I was very happy at that.

But somewhere along the line as I grew to understand the world and the people around me, I lost track of who I was. And unfortunate for me, I never realized it. It took me so long to realize that I have actually lost a part of my personality. And how or for what reason I don’t know. Now when the time has come for me to decide on what I want to be and do in life, I’m blank. I try to recollect the past and decide on something but nothing comes to me. Right at this moment I don’t know who I am and what defines me. I thought i knew very well and had everything cut out for me, but it doesn’t look like I do.

A thousand thoughts keep spinning through my head so fast that I don’t seem to catch one. A million things I want to be but I can’t point my finger on exactly what. I always felt that my life would be exciting and I had the feeling that something amazing and thrilling was bound to happen in my life. I still feel the same. But the uncertainty that it might not seems to kill me.

Confusion blossoms in my head. For what purpose I don’t seem to know. Is the world going crazy or is it just me? All i really want is to find myself again and to find something that inspires me and gives me some sort of an exhilaration.

Living life so monotonously has taken its toll on me.

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