Amidst no pomp and celebration I turned 22 yesterday. I expected to feel a little mature but I didn’t. I thought I would have achieved self-actualization by now. But I didn’t. I went to sleep as a 21 year old and woke up feeling the same. I then realized that ever since I turned 18 I’ve been cribbing about wonderful things happening in my life. Every October first I waited for celebrations and acknowledgments. The fact that neither of those happened is not the point. But I never stopped expecting. I always visualized how it would be to turn eighteen. Then, when nothing happened I fantasized about turning nineteen and so on and so forth. Every year I expected my life to turn around for the better. Every year, until this year, I was hyperactive a whole week before my birthday. I don’t know what exactly I wanted to happen but I never stopped expecting and most, if not all of those expectations led to disappointment.
This year I told myself that I wouldn’t expect anything. I did not call up friends and remind them that it was my birthday. I played it cool. The next morning I woke up with nothing to do. I glided through the entire day without any sort of expectations. That is when I learnt that once you don’t expect anything you are never disappointed. It really hurts when you expect and yearn for things to happen but are left disappointed. This year I saved myself the disappointment that had played a pretty major part in my life all these years.
I learnt that once you don’t expect anything nothing can disappoint you. You many not be happy but you aren’t disappointed either. For a person like me who has been let down so many times in my life this was the realization that I’ve been searching for. This post may seem like a pretty sad one to write on a birthday but understanding this actually made me a little more wiser.
The past year has actually been pretty good to me. The happiest moment was when I passed my Anna University exams. I was always doubtful if I would pass my last semester but God decided that I had suffered enough of Engineering. Just seeing those six ‘P’s in the tabular column made my year.
The past year was the most fun I’ve had compared to my four years of Engineering. I met some really wonderful people and did some truly awesome things. I don’t think there is a single thing that I would like to change about the past year.
I am terrible at concluding a post so I’ll just end with : “Happy birthday, Zarine! You are awesome.”
I have definitely achieved self-praising.