Yes, yes. A MILLION TIMES YES.
My creative juices seem to have hit the pause button of late. I have always had the most brilliant ideas only when there was an exam to prepare for the next day. I never thought I would say this but I miss the anticipations of exams, not that I would want to take them again, but just having that dreadful feeling in your chest, eating away your insides. But the exams always brought out my creative side that is seen very clearly in my mark sheets.
I have been doing nothing for a long time except “taking rest”. I’m sure that even if that was prescribed to me by a doctor it wouldn’t have been administered as strictly. To be honest, I enjoyed it for a few days. What with Ramadan happening it was nice to catch up on my sleep. But I enjoy it no more. “Taking rest” has in turn made me feel more lethargic than I should. I can’t wait to be up on my feet and do fun, exciting things. After a year of waiting around I’d like to think I deserve it.
In all fairness I’m supposed to be nervous now. Butterflies in the stomach, am I doing the right thing, why me sort of a confusion. But I’m not. And that’s good, I guess. The only nervous I am is the good kind and I’m super thankful for that. Actually, I’m fifty parts nervous and fifty parts excited.
I’m nexcited.
Yes, it’s a word. Look it up.
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September could not come soon enough.
…
For a long while now I’ve been wanting to write. There were so many emotions, so many words that did not escape my mouth but the constant blinking of the cursor on white screen did not offer me the kind of solace a pen and paper did.
Sometimes I’m too dramatic for my own good. I should have lived in a book. A really long, extremely dramatic book full of sequences the idle mind can never imagine, full of dreams that do not end.
That’s exactly where I deserve to be.
An open wound. Bare skin. Unzipped.
Why is it so difficult to give yourself permission to feel. To feel without being betrayed, to feel without a doubt. Why are we holding back? Why can’t we just say exactly what we want to and move on? Why do I have to think before I talk?
So may times in life we come across situations that begs us to feel, makes our hearts beat faster. But we’re scared, so scared. Of feeling. It doesn’t matter anymore if it is right or wrong but you have to feel it in your heart. But we are scared of being exposed. We don’t want to be taken for granted. But what guarantee is there that we will be? What guarantee is there that we wont? That’s when you take a blind leap of faith. Blind, but your heart is open. Blind, but you’ve never seen clearer than right now, than this moment that takes your breath away.
Someday it feels like I’ve given up a lot; given up myself. I feel I should have fought harder and not have given in to the expected. I should have been stronger, fiercer. I know it isn’t too late but why does it feel like my space is limited?
I feel claustrophobic. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe thinking of all the things I’ve given up. I can’t breathe thinking about all the things I want to do. I can see it on the horizon. It’s right there at arms distance. But my hands are tied and I have to succumb to the expected. I have I succumb to the person they want me to be. In this tug of war I feel that the person I want to be has been diluted. That’s exactly how I feel – dilute. Not a strong concentrated version of myself but a dilute liquid that has no power. Every time I think “no I’m just being a drama queen”, and push the thought away from my head. It feels like I’m lying to myself and the scary part is I know it and yet choose to believe the liar.
I feel uninspired. I’m tired. Tired of waiting for things to happen instead of going out there and making it happen. I want to be out. I want to be free. I want to breathe. I feel parched and breathless, like every thought, every idea from my body has been sucked out.
What’s left is what you want me to be. What’s left is how you view me. I look in the mirror and all I can see is a reflection. I can’t see the original. I can’t see myself but I sure as hell can see you staring back at me with those judging eyes telling me that it is wrong; what I think, what I feel and what I want to be, is wrong. “No that’s not what you want, tell me things I like to hear. Don’t tell me what you think. It doesn’t matter anymore”. It never did. So I’ve given up. I know the book of life tells me not to but what choice do I have when I loose every battle, when the will to fight has been drained out of my system.
I’m tired and I’m exhausted. I’m tired of fighting the battle within me. Tired of thinking like you. I’m tired of fighting between what you want and what I desire, supporting either sides of the argument, not letting go. There is a constant struggle inside me. Constantly making me think like two people. I can feel them on my shoulders. On one side I can see myself on the brink of all things great, with the world at my feet. On the other side I see you, telling me what’s good for me. I want to say “bring down the shackles!”. “Storm the fortress!” but I know I don’t want to hurt you. I know you mean well but would it hurt to stop telling me what is good for me? These mindless formalities, the urge to please everyone else but yourself, what good is it when you and I both know that we’ll be alone in our grave with no one to help us. You taught me that. And now your actions speak otherwise.
My eyes are dry. My pool of tears has dried up. I feel stone hearted. All the deflecting emotions has led to this. Now I tell myself it doesn’t matter what happens. It doesn’t matter where I end up. I will still be skeptic inside, always feeling that things were to good to be true. Never trusting when a good thing comes my way. Always doubting, always thinking that there is a catch, like a Ponzi scheme, there is always a catch.
During pilates today :
Lady 1 : I want to see Avengers!
Lady 2 : Oooh I went for night show. It’s okay only. My kids liked it.
Lady 3 : I don’t like superhero movies so I’m don’t want to watch it.
Lady 4 : What is Avengers?
Lady 3: It’s a movie with all the superheroes in it like Iron man, Hulk and all.
Lady 4 : Oh wow, Hulk Hogan is acting in a new movie, uh?!
She sounded so genuinely excited. I had to consciously keep from bursting in to laughter.
I was feeling a little down and out these past few days so I bought some flowers to cheer myself up. Just goes to show that everybody needs a little sunshine sometimes.
I don’t think we can ever know anything for sure. There will always be doubts.
Push them away.
Push them away.
“People aren’t either wicked or noble,” the hook – handed man said. “They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.”
Maybe In Madras 