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This has been a weekend to end all weekends. Twenty days in and this Ramadan has been the most challenging one yet. My first time fasting in two years, first time fasting with a full time job (so no afternoon naps), first fast with a rambunctious toddler, a weekend with a stomach bug, a weekend with the flu and another weekend with constipation. Poop, vomit and drool have flowed generously this past month. The actual fasting part has been the easiest, Alhamdulillah. Which is funny because when I was younger I considered the abstaining from food and water to be the most challenging part of Ramadan. I tried to work on my patience this month and it has been hard yet, rewarding. I channeled my patience in two ways 1) during my rush hour morning commute I let any car ahead of me merge into my lane instead of cutting them off, which is what I instinctively want to do 2) being patient with my toddler as he smacks, pinches, screams and throws stuff at me. Again, I instinctively want to shout at him. So I let the words and the feelings occupy my mouth but I don’t let them escape. I painfully swallow my own anger and try approach him with patience. It doesn’t always work. Like today when I got smacked in the face with a damn LEGO for the 100th time and I lost it (re: burn all LEGOs). But when it does work, I am proud of how far I’ve come. I don’t have time to do as much ibadha as I would like to during this time but the one thing I have been constitent with is listening to @abdelrahmanm Purification of the Heart and the Heartwork series on the @qalaminstitute podcast during my commutes. This has really enriched my Ramadan experience. I find that I am mindful of everything I do and think from being present in my prayers to catching myself when judgmental or unsavory thoughts cross my mind. And although this may not have been the most ideal Ramadan, I will be sad to say goodbye to my dear friend next week. I pray that we will be reunited again next year, Insha allah.

I don’t look my best but the dysfunctionality of this picture makes me happy. I know my mom is stalking me so happy Mother’s Day to my mom who is my favorite person to talk to. She’s my confidant, my support and she always gets my jokes. Thank you, ya Rabb for her presence in my life. And happy mother’s day to me for being the best mother I can under life’s circumstances and my own insecurities. Every day I wake up to challenges that seem insurmountable. But as I cuddle my monkey to sleep at night, all the fears, worries and insecurities that occupy me fade away and I’m filled with gratitude to my Lord. He has allowed me to mother this child through this life and I pray that He gives me the strength to be better each and every day.

Patience. All day. Every day. My Lord is sufficient for me.

Friends, please go read my latest piece for Goya Journal. I wrote about an heirloom dish that is one among many stars in my Tamil Muslim community. Link in bio.

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December 17, 2011Zarine Mohideen 2 Comments

It feels like a paradox. And I just want to disappear. I cannot breathe this air anymore.

It stifles me.

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2 thoughts on “”

Rebirth. says:

We.need.to.talk.

December 17, 2011 at 1:54 PM Reply
Tharani says:

What ever it is Hugs

December 26, 2011 at 12:03 PM Reply

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