The past few days have been a blur. I keep saying everything is happenning fast but really, everything is happenning in LIGHTNING SPEED. It has taken me a while to comprehend it. I seem to have got my head around it but I still cannot believe that it is happening although, I am extremely happy that it is.
I try to keep recollecting what happened these few days but my memory fails me. I don’t seem to have registered everything. Memory is a very fickle thing. I wan to remember everything, the good and the bad. The feel of my new silk saree, the tears that would just not stop, the mouthfulls of sugar that I just wanted to spit out and this werid but good feeling in my gut. I want to remember everything and maybe that is selfish of me. My mind does not have this capacity. I look at pictures and I think “Why was I smiling?”. I can’t seem to remember why the photo warranted that particular expresssion.
This scares me. Now I want to savour every moment, remember every action. I want to store it all in a little cupboard in my head. And when I open it I want to the smell of the garland, the Elie Saab that I sprayed all over my dress. I want to remember why I cried. I want to know why I smiled my widest with certain people and looked morose with others. I want to remember that moment when the photographer asked me if I wanted to hide the sugar. I want to remember the taste of the awful banana milkshake. And I really want to remember the taste of the biriyani but I had so little that it is just impossible.
I am trying to take as many mental photographs as I can. I am trying to remember the feelings and the emotions. I want to collect all these and store it all away in that little cupboard and come back to it in my own sweet time. Reminiscing is a weird feeling. Recollecting the good can make your day so much brighter. But the bad and the bitter should never see the light of day. Reminiscing the bad just brings back all these feelings and I remind myself why I swore never to think about it again. Having a walking, talking reminder does not help. But I’ve become an expert in blocking out the bad, in muting out the constant drone and in blinding out the evil.
So right now is all about collecting. Thoughts, feelings and words to store away in that little cupboard inside my head.