Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

“What infinite energies are wasted steeling oneself against crisis that seldom comes: the strength to move mountains; and yet it is perhaps this very waste, this torturous wait for things that never happen, which prepares the way and allows one to accept with sinister serenity the beast at last in view: …”
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Three hundred and sixty five days are over. Unbelievable. Time goes by so fast. I really wanted to savor every minute and make each day count but time just flies. 2011 has been a year of extreme emotions for me and in some way I think it achieved a balance. 
I started the year with my final semester of college. It was the most unforgettable semester ever. I met some wonderful people, made great friends, realized how much I actually liked my college, a person I met only for a few hours gave me a lot of confidence and I met Shashi Tharoor at a MUN confernce (he is SO cute!). In typical Zarine fashion I also did make a complete fool of myself. I cried (in public!) for a reason that now seems so stupid, swore at someone (again, in public), embarrassed myself on stage, almost embarrassed myself multiple times in project reviews but managed to save my face, which I am actually proud of.
After semesters it was exam time and I spent an awful amount of time waiting for my awful Anna University marks. Anna University, if you are reading this, you suck. Thank you for giving me a tough time, it just made me stronger. But to be fair, I do respect you. I know it must have been no fun going through my answer sheets, or a lot of fun depeding on how you look at it.
The latter part of the year took a far turn from all this awesomeness. I got disappointed a lot. So I bawled my eyes out and went on a strike but it was a no go. Sometimes no matter how much we plan and yearn for things it just doesn’t work out – another lesson from 2011. But these disappointements literally ate through by brain and I just went on analyzing one situation after the other and almost threw myself into a deep and endless pit (metaphorically, of course). But I also found the resilience in me. I learnt to pick myself up and forced myself to look ahead.
After this it was vacation time. Dad always promised me that we could go anywhere we wanted once I completed my degree. We started with Egypt and then the revolution happened. So I suggested Turkey, my first love, but then the earthquake happened. His timing is impeccable, I tell you. 
Eventually we settled on Dubai for reasons I cannot comprehend. Initially I was totally uninterested but then the food and shopping cheered me up. I ate so many differnt types of food. I would have loved to take pictures of them but I live with a brother who is too impatient to let the food pose and a father who is embarrassed when I take pictures of food. 
2011 was a year of paradoxes for me. I had so many, many dreams for this year. I think the fault lies in the fact that I expected all of them to come true. So in 2012 I expect to dream less (like that’s even possible).
When it comes to resolutions I have always made the really cheesy ones like “Oh I will lose weight this year” and the classic – “I will study well this year”. Histroy shows that these resolutions never saw the break of day. So this year my resolutions are simple. It follows the concept of more.
Read more.
Write more.
Live more.
For the past few years I’ve spent New Year’s eve at home eating take out and watching old Grey’s Anatomy reruns. This year however, I will be at a friends wedding, ringing in the new year in a pattu saree and five inch heels. This gives me confidence for the new year because nothing bad can happen when you are in a pattu saree and five inch heels.
2012 is going to be a supremely awesome year and I intend to make full use of it. No Mayan prophecy is going to ruin my year.
I wish the handful of people reading my blog have a fabulous new year!
See you in 2012.
Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

"The Swan" (1956)

“Your father used to call you his swan, so I am told. I think that’s a good thing to remember. Think what it means to be a swan. To glide like a dream on the smooth surface of the lake, and never go to the shore. On dry land, where ordinary people walk, the swan is awkward, even ridiculous. When she waddles up the bank she painfully resembles a different kind of bird, n’est-ce-pas?
… And there she must stay, out on the lake; silent, white, majestic. Be a bird, but never fly; know one song, but never sing it until the moment of death. And so it must be for you, Alexandra. Cool indifference to the standing crowds along the bank. And the song? Never.”
– “The Swan” (1956)
source
Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 3 Comments

Nostalgia.

A friend of mine just came over to invite me for her wedding. It’s been a good six months since college finished and I can’t believe how far we’ve all come. Some are getting married, some are doing exceptionally in their jobs and some, like me, are waiting for a lucky break. College feels like it happened in a different life. It feels like it happened eons ago and what I can remember is surrounded by a haze. I talk like its been years since I passed out but, eerily enough not even a year has passed since. College is generally a place where people “find themselves”. But for me it was about finding just a “part” of me. 
At times I’m filled with regret because I spent too much time hating what I did. I regret that I didn’t give myself a chance to like what I did. I spent a lot of time and energy in vehemently disliking anything and everything that came with my course. At this point in my life I feel like I could have done better. I could have studied harder but even I know that its a lost cause. I tried really hard to be better, academically. I failed. And Anna University gave me many more tries. Then, I passed. It was probably the single most happiest moment in my life, passing in something I never liked to begin with. But if that had never happened I would have a very different life right now. 
When we were in college my partner in crime and I, we used to imagine a bright, new exciting life waiting for us as soon as we were done with these four years of formal education. But the first few weeks after college ended I experienced severe withdrawal symptoms. My body wanted to wake up at 7 ‘o’ clock and run behind a bus. I had to have some college tea in my system. I even missed the doughy bread bajjis that reeked with oil. I missed texting from the last bench. I missed the constant bitching with the aforementioned partner in crime. I missed writing “apology” and “permission” letters. I missed the afternoon meals that tasted terrible in first year but awesome in final year. I missed doing fake demos for projects and fighting over which font to use for ppts. I wanted to relive the terrible presentations that we did. But most of all I missed my friends. 
I know that I can never go back to those wonderful times and all I have are memories and pictures. I entered college as a much skinnier 17 year old and I left as a wiser, more well rounded 21 year old. I may not have “found myself” in college. I know that will take me a few more years but I definitely feel much smarter in the “life” department. Every time I talk about being wiser or much sensibler than I was in the past, this song by U2 always comes to mind – “City of Blinding Lights” (which is incidentally the song that inspired the name for this blog) where Bono says, “The more you see, the less you know. The less you find out as you go. I knew much more than I do now. “
College may not have given me the experiences I wished for but it did give me the life lessons that I needed. And in the bargain also gives me a degree in Engineering which, if you ask me, is a pretty good deal!
Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 3 Comments

November

November is supposed to be cold and wet. A preview of what December holds. But the weather has been going from rainy nights to bright mornings. It confuses me, this uncertainty. November is no longer dark and broody. November is confusion. December defines the end of yet another year. But November is such an odd month. 
November is disappointing.
Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 1 Comment

Belief

A few days back I was having a philosophical discussions with one of my friends. Somewhere in the midst of talking about love and faith she turned her big bushy head to me and asked, “Why do you believe in God?”. That moment I felt like I had slammed into a wall. Why did I believe in God? I did not have an answer at hand. I just stuttered, stammered and came up with a reason why, a reason that I just can’t seem to recollect right now. But today while saying my prayers I realized why I actually did believe in God.
As a child I followed the faith of my parents. I did what they did. I believed in what they believed. I never questioned anything. I believed in God because my parents told me to. I did not want to get all rebellious and say no. It just wasn’t worth the trouble. But as I grew up, from a pimply adolescent to an even more pimply teenager, life handed me a few important lessons. Lessons that were more important than Maths and Science. My future depended on how well I learnt these lessons. I was never a bright student in school and in life. Hence, I had to redo a few lessons in both.
I’m not here to judge those who don’t believe in God. I have no way of telling what is in peoples hearts. I cannot judge a persons belief. I just want to tell you the reason why I believe. I believe that faith is the very foundation of our being. Sometime we have implicit faith on people only to be let down in the most cruelest of ways. Trusting and having faith in someone means that you are willing to let go of your anchor and depend and trust that person so much that every fiber of your being believes in them. Having faith is like moving away from your comfort zone and showing them your most vulnerable side.
Many times in life we feel let down and cheated by the people we love the most. We, as humans very easily become unfaithful. We lose faith in things easily. If life don’t go according to our plan we lose faith.I’m a person who trusts people easily and in my life I’ve had incidents where I could not count on anyone be it friends or family.  At my most darkest days, when I hit rock bottom, the small iota of belief that I had in God is what made me the person I am today. Today I feel wiser because of all the tests that God has put me through. And I know that the important decision that I will make for the future will be inspired from the lessons I learned in the past.
It is very easy to not believe. It is very, very easy to turn a blind eye to all the signs that show the presence of a greater force. You don’t have to look for scientific proof or read ancient scriptures. All you’ve got to do is just look deeper into your life, your past and you will find something that you overlooked.
“Belief is a beautiful armor

But makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water
You never can hit who you’re trying for

Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It’s the chemical weapon

For the war that’s raging on inside”



– John Mayer, “Belief”
Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 3 Comments
The monsoons have started and Madras couldn’t be any prettier. I love the chillness. I love it when the tip of my nose gets cold. I love that all the trees get completely washed. I love it when the wet crow shakes of the water from its head.

I’m so happy that the rains have started. I hope it stays for a long, long time.

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 10 Comments

Number 22

Amidst no pomp and celebration I turned 22 yesterday. I expected to feel a little mature but I didn’t. I thought I would have achieved self-actualization by now. But I didn’t. I went to sleep as a 21 year old and woke up feeling the same. I then realized that ever since I turned 18 I’ve been cribbing about wonderful things happening in my life. Every October first I waited for celebrations and acknowledgments. The fact that neither of those happened is not the point. But I never stopped expecting. I always visualized how it would be to turn eighteen. Then, when nothing happened I fantasized about turning nineteen and so on and so forth. Every year I expected my life to turn around for the better. Every year, until this year, I was hyperactive a whole week before my birthday. I don’t know what exactly I wanted to happen but I never stopped expecting and most, if not all of those expectations led to disappointment.
This year I told myself that I wouldn’t expect anything. I did not call up friends and remind them that it was my birthday. I played it cool. The next morning I woke up with nothing to do. I glided through the entire day without any sort of expectations. That is when I learnt that once you don’t expect anything you are never disappointed. It really hurts when you expect and yearn for things to happen but are left disappointed. This year I saved myself the disappointment that had played a pretty major part in my life all these years.
I learnt that once you don’t expect anything nothing can disappoint you. You many not be happy but you aren’t disappointed either. For a person like me who has been let down so many times in my life this was the realization that I’ve been searching for. This post may seem like a pretty sad one to write on a birthday but understanding this actually made me a little more wiser.
The past year has actually been pretty good to me. The happiest moment was when I passed my Anna University exams. I was always doubtful if I would pass my last semester but God decided that I had suffered enough of Engineering. Just seeing those six ‘P’s in the tabular column made my year. 
The past year was the most fun I’ve had compared to my four years of Engineering. I met some really wonderful people and did some truly awesome things. I don’t think there is a single thing that I would like to change about the past year. 
I am terrible at concluding a post so I’ll just end with : “Happy birthday, Zarine! You are awesome.”
I have definitely achieved self-praising.