Dear Neighbor,Did you know that you make my mornings better? You play the piano every morning for hours. It makes my morning, and my day so much better. Your music provides an interesting background score to my thoughts when I’m on the potty. Your music makes me want to dance when I’m cooking. You don’t know the difference you make in my life but I’m happy to have you as my neighbor (I hope you’re not the one with the dog). So thank you for that. Thank you for making me happy when I feel down. You make me feel a little less lonely in the mornings. And that’s more than what this girl could ask for.
Let’s connect.
In the 21st century a marriage is often between three entities – the husband, wife and the cell phone. The cell phone is at the dinner table, he watches the television and also comes to bed with you. Granted the cell phone is useful to keep in touch with family and friends who live far away but more often than not it is also an uninvited permanent guest in your house.
At home I try to keep away from the cell phone myself. But only a few minutes pass by and my hand searches for the cool, slim feel of my phone. I keep checking it even when it isn’t required. I always need to check my Facebook , not out of necessity but more out of habit. I need to remind myself that nothing much changes in the span of ten minutes. Instagram, although fun, is one of my biggest vices. I feel the need to check my phone the first thing in the morning to see what’s new. I need to see how many people ‘like’ my picture. It doesn’t matter that it’s morning and breakfast needs to be made, no, let’s first see what’s up on Instagram.
Maintaining a healthy distance from my cell phone is something I’m trying to do this year and I’ve also enlisted Jay to accompany me in this difficult journey. I know that going cold turkey will not work. I need to slowly wean myself away from the phone. I’d like to think that Jay is a worse than me when it comes to this. He works on the computer the whole day, comes home and we watch TV for a while with a handful of interruptions thanks to the cell phone. It’s either my whatsapp messages beeping or him checking mails, Facebook, etc.
Why do we need to always be so in tune with what’s new? Didn’t we survive just as well without these constant updates? Technology has made us so dependable that we need real time updates on who commented on our Facebook status and omg the world will end if you didn’t get that and reply in time Before these ‘apps’ and mobile social networking we would log in to Facebook, and check e-mails maybe once or twice a day and that was okay.
So this year I’m making a conscious decision to cut down my cell phone time by at least a half. It doesn’t help that there is a WordPress app too. But hey, you should try, right?
Hold My Hand
It was our four month anniversary yesterday. I remembered this only today afternoon. I can’t believe its only been four months since we got hitched. For some reason it seems like it’s been a lifetime. I have settled in very comfortably, I must say. Playing the role of ‘wife’ was a little hard on me at first but I managed to gently nudge myself in. Some days it is hard. I do feel like throwing my hands in the air and giving up. But on most days it is a pretty good life, one that I am so thankful for. Sometimes I even think if this is what I wanted, if this is what I deserved. But all these questions disappear when I see the answer walk in through that door at six in the evening. And that makes me happy. Happier than I’ve ever been in a long, long time
2013
I had a pretty awesome new years eve this year. It took us an hour to drive San Francisco and we stood in the cold for another hour. I stood with a huge group of people and watched the fireworks light up the sky. I’ve never seen live fireworks before so this was amazing. I enjoyed shouting, “wooo-ing” and clapping. The crowd intimidated me a bit, initially. But later I felt totally at home. It was the best new year’s eve I’ve ever had.
I can’t wait to do it again every new year. Here’s to a fabulous year, new opportunities and excitement every step of the way.
Black.
I can feel the monster coming. I can feel him nudge his way back in to my life. I see his darkness on the horizon and I know he is coming to get me again. I feel him eating up my soul, I feel him shrouding my thoughts with darkness. He covers my heart with blackness and makes me doubt my very existence. His grey tendrils form a noose around my neck and slowly attempt to drag me back in to the pit where doubt reigns sovereign.
But this time I try not to be led in. I try to fight away. I fight back from the darkness. My sun makes way for the light. I intend to make the gloom disappear. I want to turn the black to white. My white should be blinding, my white should be bright, my white should be my strength, my life. I strive to make the smoke disappear. And with one breath, with one acceptance and one affirmation of who I am he disappears in a puff of smoke.
The smallest things make me happy these days. The sun came out today and I was happy. It’s been so long since I felt the sun on my face or even broke in to a sweat, for that matter. I guess that’s what living in Chennai makes you miss. So once the sun was out I decided to go for a pseudo run. So I ran. On the wrong side of the road, I think. And almost bumped in to one uncle who laughed it off. Crossed the road and had one Aunty say “Yes! You made it”. It felt good to have some one cheer me on like that. I’m thinking of hiring a cheerleader to cheer me on when I feel down. Oooh maybe I should just hire an entire squad! I should put that in my list.
So on my run today I crossed a gallery where an artist painted on the walls along the streets. I saw this little gem and my heart skipped a beat. It felt like someone had taken that thread of thought that’s been running through my mind lately and decided to plaster it on the walls. I could feel a little smile creeping up and the sun just shined brighter today.
23
I turned 23 a few days ago. I managed to have a pretty good birthday in the middle of all the travelling and moving. I also had a fabulous Godiva chocolate cheesecake that was probably the highlight of my life. It’s been four days since I’ve had it and I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms now.
I don’t want to admit it but Alhamdulillah, I’m honestly enjoying this time. After the stress of the wedding I’m enjoying spending time by myself (okay, and Jay when he is around) eating, sleeping and watching too much of the Kardashians.
Every year my birthday came around I used to get apprehensive and felt like nothing would satisfy me. But this year I didn’t feel any of those things. Maybe it was because I was busy but for the first time in a very long time I felt good about myself and that to me makes this birthday pretty awesome.
Happy birthday, Zarine, you fabulous person you!
Ahoy there.
I have been thinking of an apt word that would describe the past three weeks. The only word I can think of is whirlwind. That is exactly what my life has been of late. A whirlwind, with no time to stop and think. I had a whirlwind wedding, at least that is what it felt like. The wedding was fun, I guess but the only thing that worried me was the biriyani. I really wanted to have dinner on my wedding day. Fortunately, there was enough.I love Chennai rains and they didn’t disappoint me this time. The rain came down in full force just as I got in to the car. It’s funny how the exact same thing happened on my engagement day too.. and when we just decided to leave the wedding hall to have dinner. I had to walk in the rain (fine, there was an umbrella), but I had to walk in the slushy mud lifting up my extremely heavy silk saree and subjecting my beautiful new shoes to mud, rain and just general trash. It was borderline romantic I guess. I mean, everyone thought it to be so why not. I’ve learnt to just go with the flow.
Two weeks later I jetted off in to the sunset with my tall, dark and handsome man to the land where the streets are paved with gold. No, they are not. But it didn’t matter ’cause my beau has a heart made of gold. I know it would be awfully dramatic for me to say I didn’t know the man I married but I did know him and he has been wonderful in every sense of the word.
People call me up and ask, “OMG!!! You’re in America now! How does it feel?”. Honestly am I supposed to feel any different? I didn’t feel different the day I got married and I don’t feel any different now. I’d rather just feel and be myself no matter where I am. But for those who ask, America is nice. The people are nice and the weather here is proper chilly.
I was in New York this past weekend. But that calls for a separate post. The City of Lights deserves that much.
“I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.”
– Flowers For Algernon, Daniel Keyes
“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
– Oscar Wilde
Isn’t this what everyone fears? To think like another person, breathe in their ideas and eventually lose sight of who you really are. I’ve been there. Waking up in the morning not feeling the least bit like yourself. Lying to yourself repeatedly. Unable to distinguish between your thoughts and convincing yourself every day that you were meant to be here, in the present. Absorbing yourself in to someone else is probably the worst thing you can do to kill your soul. Recovering from that is hell. Even when you do come out of the cage you keep doubting, is this what you want or is this what they want you to want. It is hard to break away. But you should try. You should always try.
Maybe In Madras 