I don’t think we can ever know anything for sure. There will always be doubts.
Push them away.
Push them away.
The Day The Earth Refused To Stand Still
It was an off day yesterday what with the earthquake and everything. I was glued in front of the television dreading the after effects. Alhamdulillah, everything was okay. Except this news reader on CNN who deserves an Oscar award for his performance in “The Tsunami Will be Approaching Any Minute Now”. It is distasteful that the media wants to sensationalize situations like this. But I do not expect anything less from CNN.
Natural calamities like these are just a reminder to us that there is someone who is in control of everything. It is a reminder of the Last Day. It is a sign to tell us humans that the future is never in our hands. At times like this it really irks me that people go on Facebook and write “Earthquake! So cool!”, “Too bad I missed it!”. I mean, really? Why don’t you spare a moment to think about those who have been previously affected by it and are hence, scared out of their wits? Remember, it’s just that one second that separates the “coolness” from the possible destruction of your life and everything you know.
One thing I have to agree though, I check Facebook to confirm if the earthquake really happened. Even dedicated news sites do not update fast enough.
Today is a beautiful day albeit a bit humid. thanks to the weather. But I’m happy to be alive. Okay, you may think I’m over exaggerating all this but really, imagine if things ended badly yesterday, today would be the most depressing day even though the sun is bright and the skies are bluer than I’ve ever seen them. So thanks God, for just the trailer and not the main picture. I owe you one many.
Summer Wind
If there is one thing Madras totally owns, it’s summer. Complain all you want about the heat, sweat and power cuts but you know that Madras is in her best during this season. Summer is for lazy afternoons spent watching movies on Sun TV. It’s when fruit sellers spring up in every street corner selling luscious mangoes and gorgeous watermelons. Summer is when you can see the trees proudly displaying their flowers. Thank God for the old Madras corporation/people who have planted bouganvillas and flame of the forest on every street.
I become very nostalgic during summer. The best parts of my childhood were spent making the most of what little I had and now that I’m all “grown up” I feel that longing for a simpler time when I didn’t have to think about the future and take life changing decisions. All I thought about was when the elani man will come and if there is enough porri urundai to share with my friends.
I know this is all a part of growing up but I just want to stop for minute and take a breather. It’s hard to accept that the most carefree days of our lives are over. Only a few weeks in to this blazing season and already my stress levels are haywire.
In the midst of all the craziness that surrounds me I just want to give a big non-physical hug to a very beautiful, very special girl who means the world to me. All I want to tell you is to keep the faith and just soldier on. There are so many wonderful things ahead of you once you get past all the darkness. I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its the brightest, most blindingly awesome light that you’ve ever seen. Just know that I love you irrespective of how many people you are. You are the kindest, smartest person I know. Big things are going to happen in your life. I just know it. You are the kind of person that deserves all the good that comes their way. Just know that I love you and I will forever be your bum chum.
I know how depressed you are so I’m sending some sunshine your way. Remember, the sky is not the limit.
Scar.
A couple of days back I woke up to read a disturbing article in the newspaper. A 19 year old sales girl from Chennai was gang raped by boys who were her “friends”. One of the boys, her classmate from school, had asked her to accompany him to visit another friend of theirs who had apparently taken ill. This unsuspecting girl went with the boy to the friends house only to realize that the boy wasn’t ill and was in the company of four other boys. They offered the girl a drink and after a few sips she realized that something was wrong with it. They forced her in to drinking and when she became unconscious the boys repeatedly raped her. By the time she regained consciousness they dropped her off at her house. The next day the girl was suffering from extensive bleeding and was taken to a Government hospital. The doctors informed her mother that it was a clear case of rape and asked her to file a complaint with the police.
On February 9th three cases of rape took place at the same night in Delhi. In the first incident, a 13 year old girl was abducted and raped by a 30 year old man because she did not accept his Facebook request. In the second incident a 17 year old girl was kidnapped and was sexually abused in car while continuously roaming the streets The accused was a relative of hers. In the third case a 17 year old girl was walking back home from work with her friends was forced in to a car and kidnapped. Her friends who tried to fend off the kidnappers were assaulted. This girl is yet to be traced.
In Delhi, a constable was arrested for molesting an under age girl in a slum area. In Kolkatta a man was mercilessly beaten to death for a lodging a compliant againt some men who were sending obscene MMSes to his college-going daughter.
All these events took place this month. It makes me wonder if India is really a safe place for women. None of these girls asked to be raped. They were from working class backgrounds trying to find some means to an end.
I feel that men do not understand the extent of their actions. Most of these assaults are done just for momentary pleasure or it is seen as a way to take revenge on the girl. Sexual abuse is prevalent everywhere. I’m sure that almost every girl has experienced abuse/molestation of some kind. I’m talking of the smallest cases of molestation, a sneaky hand in a crowded area, an intended brush across the body. Sometimes abuse takes place at home, by someone who is in the family. The trauma that a victim of sexual abuse goes through is indescribable. It may be just a moment to experience pleasure for men but for the victim the after effects of this carries on through out her life, more often than not ruining future relationships.
Take for instance the girl from Chennai, she has been through so much mentally. It would be no surprise if in the future she does not trust any man. She may become skeptical of every person she meets and every relationship she has.
What are we doing to protect India’s women? On one side we are advocating for the girl child. Educating people to not kill their daughters. On the other side there is rape and molestation at every corner. If this is how the country is going to be then the murdered daughters of India are better off in their graves.
As a country we seem to have lost our morals somewhere down the line. We have forgotten to care for whats right. We seem to have such a ‘take it in your stride’ attitude about everything. If the girl is raped or molested the blame game begins and all fingers are pointed towards the victim for “tempting” the man. I do not disagree that man is wired differently but because of this reason it his responsibility to keep himself in check. There are stories of men molesting small children and pre-adolescent kids. “Temptation” does not play its part here. Abusing children is probably the most cowardly, most despicable and demeaning act there is.
It irks me to see that we aren’t taking issues like these seriously. But if a minister is caught watching porn in the assembly then that becomes front page news and every news channel worth its salt replays the video for days. Schools and colleges need to educate their students on these lines. They need to create awareness starting from the lower classes. The earlier children know about these things the easier it would be for them to understand how wrong it is when someone misbehaves with them. Schools need to have counselors who can help them in understanding what is wrong and whats right. As a society we are still shy to talk about this subject. We want to push it under the carpet and act like it doesn’t happen. But we need to open our eyes and accept reality. We need to be broad minded enough to not blame it on the victims. Parents need to explain this to their children.
As much as we want it to be, the world is not a happy, shiny place. It is dark, scary and like it or not we are vulnerable creatures.
These two issues are really close to my hear and it pains me to read news stories like this almost every day. I cannot imagine the angst the victim goes through. There can be no compensation for going through such a tough ordeal. Money cannot make the scars go away. Rehab and counselling can only do that much. Beyond that it is entirely up to the strength the person has to block the images, grit their teeth and move on acting like life is a happy place when at the bottom of their heart they know that things can never be the same again.
Belief
A few days back I was having a philosophical discussions with one of my friends. Somewhere in the midst of talking about love and faith she turned her big bushy head to me and asked, “Why do you believe in God?”. That moment I felt like I had slammed into a wall. Why did I believe in God? I did not have an answer at hand. I just stuttered, stammered and came up with a reason why, a reason that I just can’t seem to recollect right now. But today while saying my prayers I realized why I actually did believe in God.
As a child I followed the faith of my parents. I did what they did. I believed in what they believed. I never questioned anything. I believed in God because my parents told me to. I did not want to get all rebellious and say no. It just wasn’t worth the trouble. But as I grew up, from a pimply adolescent to an even more pimply teenager, life handed me a few important lessons. Lessons that were more important than Maths and Science. My future depended on how well I learnt these lessons. I was never a bright student in school and in life. Hence, I had to redo a few lessons in both.
I’m not here to judge those who don’t believe in God. I have no way of telling what is in peoples hearts. I cannot judge a persons belief. I just want to tell you the reason why I believe. I believe that faith is the very foundation of our being. Sometime we have implicit faith on people only to be let down in the most cruelest of ways. Trusting and having faith in someone means that you are willing to let go of your anchor and depend and trust that person so much that every fiber of your being believes in them. Having faith is like moving away from your comfort zone and showing them your most vulnerable side.
Many times in life we feel let down and cheated by the people we love the most. We, as humans very easily become unfaithful. We lose faith in things easily. If life don’t go according to our plan we lose faith.I’m a person who trusts people easily and in my life I’ve had incidents where I could not count on anyone be it friends or family. At my most darkest days, when I hit rock bottom, the small iota of belief that I had in God is what made me the person I am today. Today I feel wiser because of all the tests that God has put me through. And I know that the important decision that I will make for the future will be inspired from the lessons I learned in the past.
It is very easy to not believe. It is very, very easy to turn a blind eye to all the signs that show the presence of a greater force. You don’t have to look for scientific proof or read ancient scriptures. All you’ve got to do is just look deeper into your life, your past and you will find something that you overlooked.
“Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you’re trying for
Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It’s the chemical weapon
For the war that’s raging on inside”
– John Mayer, “Belief”
Number 22
Amidst no pomp and celebration I turned 22 yesterday. I expected to feel a little mature but I didn’t. I thought I would have achieved self-actualization by now. But I didn’t. I went to sleep as a 21 year old and woke up feeling the same. I then realized that ever since I turned 18 I’ve been cribbing about wonderful things happening in my life. Every October first I waited for celebrations and acknowledgments. The fact that neither of those happened is not the point. But I never stopped expecting. I always visualized how it would be to turn eighteen. Then, when nothing happened I fantasized about turning nineteen and so on and so forth. Every year I expected my life to turn around for the better. Every year, until this year, I was hyperactive a whole week before my birthday. I don’t know what exactly I wanted to happen but I never stopped expecting and most, if not all of those expectations led to disappointment.
This year I told myself that I wouldn’t expect anything. I did not call up friends and remind them that it was my birthday. I played it cool. The next morning I woke up with nothing to do. I glided through the entire day without any sort of expectations. That is when I learnt that once you don’t expect anything you are never disappointed. It really hurts when you expect and yearn for things to happen but are left disappointed. This year I saved myself the disappointment that had played a pretty major part in my life all these years.
I learnt that once you don’t expect anything nothing can disappoint you. You many not be happy but you aren’t disappointed either. For a person like me who has been let down so many times in my life this was the realization that I’ve been searching for. This post may seem like a pretty sad one to write on a birthday but understanding this actually made me a little more wiser.
The past year has actually been pretty good to me. The happiest moment was when I passed my Anna University exams. I was always doubtful if I would pass my last semester but God decided that I had suffered enough of Engineering. Just seeing those six ‘P’s in the tabular column made my year.
The past year was the most fun I’ve had compared to my four years of Engineering. I met some really wonderful people and did some truly awesome things. I don’t think there is a single thing that I would like to change about the past year.
I am terrible at concluding a post so I’ll just end with : “Happy birthday, Zarine! You are awesome.”
I have definitely achieved self-praising.
Closure.
They say time heals everything. As time passes by I realize things that I didn’t before. It may be months or years, and sometimes even days, but as time passes by I get closure and I am able to move on. After every core-of-my-life-shattering episode that I have been through, I have managed to take away some good from it. Some lesson, or some character of mine that I never knew I had. I believe that every bad has something good in it if you care to look deeper.
I don’t just believe everything happens for a reason, I now know that everything happens for a reason. When I tell this to people they say “oh that’s stupid. This, this and this happened in my life, what do you think the reason is?”. You need to look closely within yourself to know what the reason is. An outsider can’t point what it is. If you search for a reason and if your intentions are right then you will always find a reason. If not a reason, then a lesson. A lesson that you can carry with you through your life. A lesson that will ultimately make you a better person and a lesson that will, either directly or indirectly, influence the decisions you make.
So many many times in my life I’ve had revelations from incidents that happened years back. I keep carrying the pain and the disappointment for so long but once you achieve closure and satisfaction, the contentment you get is immense.
It is very hard to let the bitter feelings go. It is very easy to forget but it is very very hard to forgive. But every once in a while you need to let that feeling of resentment go. Possibly to make room for new ones, but that is not the point!
The point is letting go. Of a person, an idea or a feeling. It definitely isn’t the easiest thing to do in the world. But once you overcome the bitterness, once you overcome the soreness, you will see everything in a much clearer light. The load will be lifted off your shoulder, the chain around your heart will be unlocked and you will realize that the day has never been brighter than this.
Happiness.
I was reading The Museum Of Innocence by Orhan Pamuk when I came across a chapter called ‘The Most Important Thing in Life Is to Be Happy‘. For a long time I was always in search of Happiness. Not Earth shattering revelations or amazing achievements, just Happiness. Reading that chapter made me realize that ultimately, Happiness is what we aim for. It is what we expect our life to ultimately give us.
Another chapter was named ‘Happiness Means Being Close to the One You Love , That’s All‘ and I strongly disagreed. I always though of Happiness as a selfish thing. Something that you need and is present within you. Happiness can be found in other ways, I thought, not just in the company of those we love. Happiness meant getting something you wanted, reaching your goals. It was meant to be personal. Something that you could give to another person but personal, nonetheless. The whole of yesterday I had an internal conflict in my head, trying to disprove what Pamuk said. By the time I went to bed I was so sure of myself, so sure of what I thought was right.
Today was an entirely different story. I learnt that Happiness IS actually being close to the ones you love, that’s all.
Happiness is seeing someone after months or even years and realizing that no matter how much time passes, some things never change. Happiness is opposing teams being shot down by paint pellets. Happiness is listening to the same song on loop. It is food that satisfies a hungry stomach, the breeze in my hair that tugs my scarf away. Happiness is looking at the endless sea and knowing that everything is going to be okay. It is the knowledge that no matter how bad things may seem, they always have a way of working themselves out.
It is knowing that no matter where life may take us or where we may end up ten years from now, we will still have the memory of today, the sea and the sand.
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“In fact no one recognizes the happiest moment of their lives as they are living it. It may well be that, in a moment of joy, one might sincerely believe that they are living that golden instant “now,” even having lived such a moment before, but whatever they say, in one part of their hearts they still believe in the certainty of a happier moment to come.”
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21 Years Of Me
I had my 21st birthday yesterday and it went on without any fanfare contrary to what I had been planning all this while. Unsurprisingly enough, I was pretty depressed the entire day what with turning 21 and everything. My friends have been sweet enough to throw be a surprise party almost EVERY year. At that time it sounded like the most dumbest thing and I didn’t have one yesterday. But one thing I learned : I’m never too old for surprise parties.
I’ve spent 21 years on this planet. Thinking back, I cannot think of a single amazing thing I’ve done. Its eerie that I have memories that are twenty one years old. Yesterday I was sad about the fact that I’m growing old. I know we have no control over our age and time but everything is moving so fast. Life is moving so fast and I’m worried that I may not have the time to do the things I want to do and to just stop and smell the roses.
The night before my birthday N had this to say when I was cribbing about growing old : “Age just makes you wiser. You will be wiser tomorrow than you were today.” That time I laughed it off treating it as one of her crazy quotes. But when I stopped to think about it I realized that in some way its all relative and true. I’ve had certain experiences in my life that have shaped me and molded me into the person that I am today. I wouldn’t make the choices that I make today if I didn’t have those experiences backing me. Although it feels like I’ve been to hell and back I believe that everything happens for a reason.
So today I realized that instead of mourning over something that I have no control on, I can just be a woman and own it. Age is all in the mind. If I think I’m old then I am or I could also be a forty two year old eating a cherry lollipop and watching Disney cartoons cos, by God, when I’m forty two I will!
What I learnt Today
Of all the things God has given us, the gift of speech is what separates us from animals. The existence of people from various nationalities speaking in various dialects, many not know to man, is one of the signs that tell us God does exist.
This gift of speech is not enjoyed by everyone. There are people, young and old who live everyday without uttering even a single syllable. We, the lucky few, who ought to say wonderful things from the mouths and tongues that God gave us end up swearing, cursing and speak in the foulest of languages. Words, we think carry no meaning and disappear once they are thrown in air but nothing lingers longer than words.
There are times when saying nothing means so much more than all the words in the Dictionary combined. There are silences, so awkward that nothing can be said to cover them. At times, the heart yearns for words left unspoken, for words not heard often. There are words that pierce like a dagger to the heart. Silence calms the heart so much more.
When things are best left unsaid, when there is nothing more left to say or when the awkwardness exceeds its capacity the only thing that can be said, the only thing that should be said is, “As salamu alaikum”.
This can overcome any sort of uneasiness, awkwardness or nervousness. The barakth of saying this first will push your chances of entering jannah a step higher. And it will automatically make you the bigger person.
This is what life taught me today.
Maybe In Madras 