Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you’d be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you’re going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn’t be there. Either that, or you’d confide in them and you added to their problems. All you ever really had was yourself, and that sort of sucked if you were less than reliable.  

– Jodi Picolt, Handle With Care

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 4 Comments

When I was in college I watched a lot of movies. It didn’t matter how B-grade they were, if it was on torrentz I would watch it. One of the movies I saw during this time was The Invention of Lying. The movie was an epic fail but today while I was thinking in the shower (the other place I do my thinking is on the bed) I recollected this movie. The movie was bad but imagine if none of us told lies. We would just tell people what we thought about them and lying isn’t even an option. Would relationships survive in a situation like this? No matter how much we love some one, how much of the truth can we handle?

Most of us may say small white lies, not for defending ourselves but in the belief that we’re protecting the other person from the harsh truth.  Its not easy being entirely truthful either. To be entirely truthful the person you’re answering to must be able to take in whatever you reveal to them or you must live a perfect life with no space for error. But we’re human and our life is a train wreck.

Maybe honesty is over rated. Maybe white lies are needed to keep the world running. Women need to be told their rear doesn’t look fat in that dress and we have to say “It was nice meeting you” when in truth it was awful. I guess that is just how the world functions and if it weren’t for this, the world as we know it would end.

Or maybe we should lead such perfect lives that the need for telling  a white lie or telling a truth that doesn’t hurt someone is unnecessary.

So what is better? Telling the small white lies in the belief that we’re protecting others, being truthful or leading the perfect life?

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

Cheater.

I know I missed a day in between but let’s move on and act like it never happened, okay? Okay. So for today’s post I’m going to cheat a bit and quote my favorite writer Edith Wharton :

“In spite of  illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.”

– Edith Wharton

That one sentence just sums up our life and everything we hope to do.

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PLL

So the next show I’m extremely addicted to is Pretty Little Liars. Okay, I’m 23 and should have a life by now but no, I need to watch a TV show about high school kids. PLL is about four girls who get an anonymous text messages from Anonymous person who goes by the name A. At first they think it’s their fifth missing friend a.k.a the high school meanie who went missing a few years back. But a few episodes (seasons?) in they find mean girl’s body so she’s officially dead. The series has a lot of unsavory characters : blind girl enemy who gets her sight back but still plays blind, suspicions cop boy who gets killed, sister’s creepy fiance who gets killed, dead girl’s brother who comes back looking totally ripped, friend who goes to mental asylum, hot English teacher who dates one of the PLLs (creepy with a capital C) and.. you get the drift.

The girls always find themselves in weird situations : locked in a basement, car breaks down in the middle of the woods, girls investigate broken down house in the middle of nowhere and person with black hoodie follows the girls around and ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE UP TO BECAUSE A IS EVERYWHERE. The show has multiple loop holes but I couldn’t care less, I love it. Lots of eerie nights and a shady town with shady people make the show what it is. As for the fashion, the girls wear the most atrocious clothes to school at times. But they each have their own style like the Spice Girls. One of them is an athlete so she is Sporty Spice, there’s a Posh Spice who was an ex-shoplifter, Prim n Propah Spice who always comes first and a Boho Chic Spice. I love this show more than I would like to admit.

Watch it for eye candy and high school drama mixed with a little mystery.

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

Blegh.

Some mornings I wake up feeling bright and happy. By the time night comes I’m floating in self pity. This is something that was most familiar to me. I tried so hard to come out of it. But it felt like quick sand and I felt myself being sucked in again. And again. Is there no end to this madness? Is there no end to this darkness that eats away my soul? What is going to make me feel better? A tub of ice cream or a time machine? The distant future doesn’t seem so distant anymore. It always feels like opportunities are flying past me. Stop and think. Stop and grab.

 

Or maybe it’s just PMS.

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

Phoenix

As humans we are so judgmental. Whether we accept it or not, we are judgmental some way or the other. We shouldn’t assume something about a person without knowing their story. It took me a while to realize that every one has a story. Every one has fought demons, sailed through oceans, conquered their fears and have arrived at this point, this place in life. And we take the liberty to judge them based on the little knowledge that we have. This knowledge has made you who you are. We don’t think think that not every one needs to have the same life lesson. We are all broken, trying to fix the pieces of our lives. We are trying to save what little is left. We are trying to gather the ruins and form a decent version of ourselves. Everyone is struggling. Everyone is fighting demons on the inside. Everyone wants to be the Phoenix. We all want to rise from the ashes, for in that strength lies our lives and everything that we live for.

This is more a letter to myself. I need to keep reminding myself of this often.

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

Hello fall!

The weather has been pretty chilly here in the Bay Area. I say pretty chilly ’cause I’m only just getting used to the climate here. As much as I like the chunky knits and warm hugs that fall brings, I’m not a fan of the cold nose and freezing toes. The Madras Girl in me hopes that it doesn’t get colder than this. I can handle the blazing Madras summer heat waves. What I can’t handle is the five degrees at night and walking out without a proper jacket.

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Fallen leaves.

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Men’s shirts from J.Crew – the best shirt for this weather.

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Prettiness outside my house.

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Fluffy clouds on a beautiful, rainy day.

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Rustling fallen leaves.

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

The smallest things make me happy these days. The sun came out today and I was happy. It’s been so long since I felt the sun on my face or even broke in to a sweat, for that matter. I guess that’s what living in Chennai makes you miss. So once the sun was out I decided to go for a pseudo run. So I ran. On the wrong side of the road, I think. And almost bumped in to one uncle who laughed it off. Crossed the road and had one Aunty say “Yes! You made it”. It felt good to have some one cheer me on like that. I’m thinking of hiring a cheerleader to cheer me on when I feel down. Oooh maybe I should just hire an entire squad! I should put that in my list.

So on my run today I crossed a gallery where an artist painted on the walls along the streets. I saw this little gem and my heart skipped a beat. It felt like someone had taken that thread of thought that’s been running through my mind lately and decided to plaster it on the walls. I could feel a little smile creeping up and the sun just shined brighter today.

 

 

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Posted on by Zarine Mohideen

Sometimes I’m too dramatic for my own good. I should have lived in a book. A really long, extremely dramatic book full of sequences the idle mind can never imagine, full of dreams that do not end.

That’s exactly where I deserve to be.

Posted on by Zarine Mohideen · 2 Comments
An open wound. Bare skin. Unzipped. 
Why is it so difficult to give yourself permission to feel. To feel without being betrayed, to feel without a doubt.  Why are we holding back? Why can’t we just say exactly what we want to and move on? Why do I have to think before I talk?
So may times in life we come across situations that begs us to feel, makes our hearts beat faster. But we’re scared, so scared. Of feeling. It doesn’t matter anymore if it is right or wrong but you have to feel it in your heart. But we are scared of being exposed. We don’t want to be taken for granted. But what guarantee is there that we will be? What guarantee is there that we wont? That’s when you take a blind leap of faith. Blind, but your heart is open. Blind, but you’ve never seen clearer than right now, than this moment that takes your breath away.